


The End Is In My Eyes

by earth_skills_alumni_club



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 607, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bellamy's motivational speeches, Clarke's Mind Space, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-31 16:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21148544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earth_skills_alumni_club/pseuds/earth_skills_alumni_club
Summary: Bellamy makes an appearance in Clarke’s mind space and tries to convince her not to give up on herself.  Clarke is dealing with a guilt so all-consuming it’s convinced her that death is the only option, maybe even a mercy. But Bellamy knows the power of forgiveness and sharing the burden. It’s his last chance to convince her not to run, to come back and face this with him.A callback to / role-reversal of Day Trip from season 1, set in Clarke’s mind space.“You’re trying to run away, just like I was. I’m here to talk you out of it, just like you did.”“I’m not running. It isn’t the same at all. I’m just here to try to find some peace before Jo figures out how to build the EMP and all this goes away. Before I go away.”





	The End Is In My Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Title/ quote at the top from All's Well That Ends by Rainbow Kitten Surprise

_ In your arms, the end is in my eyes, _

_ I don’t want to die in my sleep, when you’re left _

Clarke didn’t know how much time she had left, now that Josephine had the memory that told her exactly how to destroy her. She figured it couldn’t be much, but she couldn’t linger on that thought, couldn’t give herself a chance to second guess her decision. This was best for everyone, both her people and the people of sanctum, who could go on living peacefully together. Without her.

_ Ai gonplei ste odon _ . Clarke thought to herself, somewhat ironically. _ For real this time. _

With what time she had left, she decided to wander more of her mind space. Running her hand along the cold steel of the walls as she walked, Clarke marvelled at how real it all felt. How physical. Josephine had said it was like lucid dreaming, but to Clarke it felt just like her own personal city of light. And she’d just given Josephine the key to the kill switch. 

Forcing away the thoughts of her impending demise, Clarke continued walking. Doors upon doors seemed to stretch out endlessly in front of her, hiding who knew how many painful, or happy, or maybe even plain and unremarkable memories behind them. 

There were so many choices, so many different moments from her past that she could choose from that Clarke began to feel overwhelmed by them all. She sped up her pace until she was running, desperate to find somewhere safe to spend her final moments. The paradox of choice loomed large and literal on every side of her, taunting and tormenting her indecisiveness. 

It didn’t even have to be a happy memory, she thought. Just somewhere calm, a place she could fade away gently, peacefully. Somewhere she could rest and lay down her burdens, knowing they would be safely carried by the others who would go on living without her. Her breaths turned to pants as she ran, searching for some indication that one of the doors streaming past her would lead to a memory that could provide that sense of safety. 

Suddenly she was forced to jolt to an abrupt stop when she nearly ran face-first into a door at the end of the hall. She didn’t even remember being able to see an end to the hall when she was running, but here it was. Behind her and to either side the halls of her mind space stretched on, seemingly endlessly. But the door in front of her called to her somehow. This memory was obviously important. If Clarke was to take her mind space literally, and she figured she should, the memory behind this door must have been a turning point. Something that changed everything that came after it, shifted the very path of her memories.

Clarke didn’t know what to expect, but she knew she had to find out. Maybe this was the safe place she’d been looking for, where she could finally let go. Not wanting to waste anymore time, she opened the door and stepped into… 

Outside. A little disoriented, Clarke found herself emerging from a bunker into a forest. But not just any forest. Clarke immediately knew where she was and looking back, she found that the door she’d stepped through had disappeared. Behind her was now the staircase that led down to the bunker where her and Bellamy had found the guns back in the first few weeks after they landed on the ground. A quick glance down at herself confirmed that her clothes had changed again. She ran her fingers lightly over the threadbare blue shirt and took a moment to appreciate the comforting familiarity of it. She had everything she’d been wearing when her and the delinquents were strapped into the dropship and thrown into a world they weren’t at all prepared for. How much and how little things had changed since them. 

The small clearing around the bunker’s door was dimly lit by moonlight and the ground was littered with fallen leaves. It was just like she remembered. Frozen in time to the moment after Bellamy had killed Dax, and they’d sat by the tree right… there. Even after all these years, she still remembered it so clearly. The wide, moss covered base where she’d convinced Bellamy to come back with her sat undisturbed, ready to welcome her. 

Thankfully Dax was nowhere to be seen, but Clarke couldn’t help but wonder if she would see -

“You been avoiding me, princess?”

Clarke spun around so quickly it almost made her dizzy. But there he was. Looking just like he had all those years ago when he’d taught her how to shoot a gun, wearing the worn jacket of the Ark Guard, clean-shaven, his hair curly and ruffled. His smile was soft and a little lopsided and so achingly familiar she felt her heart seize at the sight.

“_Bellamy. _” Without thinking twice about it she ran into his arms and felt them band strongly around her waist as she clung to his shoulders so tightly that her toes just barely brushed the ground. “You’re here.” She whispered. 

“Of course I am.” She felt his head tilt to press against hers, almost crushing her into his shoulder. “You didn’t really think you could avoid me forever, did you?” 

“No, I - Octavia said I was scared to face you. I thought she was right.”

“Maybe she was.” He pulled back just enough to look her in the eyes. “But not here. For all the violence that happened here, this is where you and I first found peace with each other.”

“I told you I needed you. Practically begged you to come back to camp with me.” Clarke stepped back out of Bellamy’s embrace and looked over to the tree where she’d said that just that. “How is that peace?

“Can’t you find peace in honesty? And vulnerability? I think so.” His hand on her shoulder guided her gaze back to his. “Come on.” He gestured with his chin towards the tree. “We have some things to talk about, princess.” 

“I don’t know how much there is to say, at this point.” Clarke sighed, but let Bellamy take her hand and lead her. She had figured that he would arrange them exactly as they’d been before, but instead when they were settled against the trunk he put his arm around her and pulled her to him. She went willingly, letting her head rest against his chest, tucked herself beneath his chin. 

“I’d beg to differ.” His voice rumbled against her cheek, and Clarke once again marveled at how real this all felt. “I think there’s a lot to talk about. Firstly, I don’t think it’s an accident that you came into this memory. You’re trying to run away, just like I was. I’m here to talk you out of it, just like you did.”

“I’m not running.” Clarke fiddled with a loose thread on Bellamy’s jacket with one hand, while the other was tucked between herself and his side, under her chin. “It isn’t the same at all. I’m just here to try to find some peace and quiet before Jo figures out how to build the EMP and... all this goes away, I guess. Before I go away.” 

“Clarke.” The way he said her name sometimes... no one had ever been able to fill it with so much feeling, so many layers of emotion like he could. “You can’t let it end like this. It isn’t fair to yourself, or any of the people out there who love you. Myself included.” With a gentle hand Bellamy tipped Clarke’s chin up so she was looking up into his imploring eyes. “Please don’t run. Come back and face this with me.”

“I can’t believe you’re using my own words against me.”

“You’re a hard one to argue with, huh?”

Clarke couldn’t help but huff something like a laugh. “You would know.” 

“I would.” He was smiling at her with a softness that was filled with so much understanding, so much empathy that it was almost tragic. “So, will you listen? Will you stop running?”

Emotion began to clog Clarke’s throat, made it feel tight and uncomfortable. “This isn’t running. I’m just so tired, Bellamy. Tired of fighting and all the pain and tragedy that comes with it. I don’t want to do it anymore. And this gives you all a chance to survive, to live in peace in Sanctum. Without me.” 

“How can you say that? How can you not see that it is the same? And life without you isn’t peace, Clarke. It’s barely surviving. It’s torture.” 

Tears that had been building behind her eyes finally broke free and fell, dampened the fabric beneath her face. “Those aren’t really your words. You’re just the voice of my survival instinct, personified, telling me what it thinks I want to hear. The real you, out there... Josephine said you took my death hard, but you made a deal for peace. And I’m so, so proud of you for that. I wish I could tell you in person, the real you, how proud I am. You’re using your head. You’ll be okay.” 

Bellamy’s thumb brushed away some of her tears, and let his hand linger on her cheek. “You really think that’s all this is? Clarke, you _ know _ me. You know me well enough to know that it’s killing me, the me out there, thinking that I’ve lost you _ again _.”

“You don’t need me anymore, Bellamy.” Frustrated, and overwhelmed with her emotions, Clarke pulled herself out of his embrace and wrapped her arms around her knees, resting her chin atop them. “You said so yourself.” 

“Clarke, that wasn’t _ me _.”

“_This _ isn’t you!” She gestured at him angrily with her hand. “None of this is real.” More tears began to blur her vision and Clarke trembled with the effort to keep them at bay. To stay strong and resolute in her decision. 

“You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Clarke. You _ do _ know me. Just like I know you. What if our situations were reversed? Would you let me give up?”

“Don’t make me answer that. Please, Bellamy, it isn’t fair.”

“Fair? Why should I care about fair, our lives have never been fair!” He sounded angry, more like the man she’d known all those years ago. The Bellamy out there was more centred, calm and self-assured. She loved him still, but the man she’d known in this forest hadn’t ever hesitated to yell at her, to get mad. Express how he was really feeling, rather than hold it inside. 

“I know they haven’t. But you don’t understand. Everyone out there hates me, or tolerates me at best. Everyone except maybe you, my mom, and Madi. But even Madi doesn’t need me anymore, and you certainly don’t, and my mom’s survived without me this long anyway. She’ll be fine.” 

“Clarke, I don’t know how... You’re trying to use your head, I see that. You’re trying to logic this out, but this is a choice you need to make with your heart. What does your heart say?”

“My heart says... That I want you to be safe. Even if it means I have to sacrifice myself. I didn’t expect to survive the first time, after praimfaya. This is just time catching up with me.”

“I don’t think you’re being honest with me. Or yourself.” Bellamy pushed off the tree and moved so he was crouched in front of her. “There’s more to this than just Josephine’s shitty arguments. What’s really convinced you that this is the answer? What are you so afraid of out there?” 

“I’ve messed everything up, Bellamy.” Clarke scrubbed at a spot of dirt on her pants with her thumb, unwilling to meet his gaze. “I’m not the good guy anymore. Maybe I never was. I’ve made mistake after mistake, and I can’t even bring myself to regret all of it. But I do hate myself for it.” Bellamy’s hand moved to rest comfortingly on her knee, but he kept quiet, sensing she wasn’t done. “This isn’t how I thought I’d go, but I think it’s a sign that it’s time. Time to let go of it all, pay my dues that have been piling up since we landed on Earth. Maybe even before that.”

“It isn’t. There’s no such thing as a sign like that.”

“How can you be so sure?” 

“Because I am.” 

Clarke sighed, having almost forgotten how stubborn he could be. “You make it sound so simple, but it isn’t at all. If I fight her, if I try to take back my body, the consequences could get even more people killed. I can’t justify my own life to myself anymore, not at the cost of anyone else. And you heard what Shaw said before he died, about salvation and earning the second chance Monty gave me. This is how I atone for what I’ve done. I don’t know if sacrificing myself can make up for everything, but it’s my only choice. It has to count for something.”

“You really want to go there? You’re gonna make me say it? This isn’t the only choice, Clarke. It’s an oxymoron, you said that yourself.”

“Fine, the right choice then. To balance out... everything.”

“Clarke, you can’t really think- you have to know that it doesn’t work like that. You aren’t paying any debts by dying, no one can. There’s no balance given by death, at least not in the way you mean. And there’s so much more to life than just making up for our sins. It’s not that we shouldn’t try to, but everyone’s been acting like it’s the end all to be all and it isn’t. There aren’t any scales, or if there are, they’re rigged. Nothing is objective.” Bellamy shifted to sit cross-legged in front of her and kept both his hands firmly on her legs, like he was afraid she would disappear. And who knew, maybe she was about to. 

“Last time we sat here, I was dealing with an overwhelming amount of guilt, just like you. Three hundred people died up on the Ark and there was no denying the blood on my hands. But you forgave me. You gave me forgiveness and shouldered the burden with me, even though it wasn’t yours to bare. If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have had the strength to come back with you, probably would have died alone out there in the woods, thinking it was what I deserved. You showed me empathy, and it’s the only reason I’m still here today. Let me do the same for you.” 

“I want to, Bellamy, I do. But everything out there is so painful, and fraught, and I don’t even know... I don’t know how to bridge the gaps with anyone. I don’t even know if you really forgive me, or if you just feel bad, for how you hurt me too.”

“Clarke, I’m so sorry. I do forgive you, but I understand why that’s hard to believe. I haven’t done nearly enough to show you, or to reach out to you about how you’ve been feeling since everything that’s happened. I knew you were having a hard time, that the way everyone’s been treating you has been horrific, but I just didn’t realize how deep into your head it had gotten. You’re so strong, it’s easy to forget how much you’re carrying, how heavy your pain is. You never put it down, never ask for help, because you think you have to bare it alone. But you don’t, and that’s what I’m here to tell you. I should have tried harder to talk to you before, outside, but we’re here now, so I’ll try and make it clear. You don’t have to do this alone. I’ve told you that before, but I need you to believe me this time. You _ deserve _ to live, and it really is that simple. Give me a chance to prove it to you. Come back to me, please Clarke. I need you. We all do.”

It was everything she ever wanted to hear, coming from the only person she could ever bare to hear it from. But the agony that this wasn’t really him speaking to her made it so impossibly difficult for his words to really hit home. “Please, Bellamy, can’t you just let this go? Let me go? I don’t want to argue anymore. It’s too late for me.”

Bellamy sighed heavily and rose from the ground, looking down at her with resigned disappointment that stabbed her with a sharp blade of shame. 

“It isn’t too late. You should know that. But look, you obviously aren’t ready to hear this. Or maybe you don’t want to hear it from me. You should go, you can find another memory to let yourself die in, but it shouldn’t be this one.” Bellamy turned angrily and began striding towards the woods. 

At the sight of his retreating back, and the knowledge that this might really be the last time she saw him if she gave up, visceral panic struck through her.

“Wait! Please.” She leapt up and he paused, still facing away from her. “Please, just, don’t go. Bellamy, please don’t leave me.” Her voice cracked as her emotions threatened to overtake her. “I don’t want to die alone.” The confession bubbled up from her chest with a broken sob, and tears spilled from her eyes.

“So don’t!” He spun around and walked back towards her in a few long strides. “Clarke, look at me.” He grasped her shoulders and gave her a little shake when she kept her eyes locked on her feet. She didn’t want him to see how her lips quivered, how overwhelmingly, horrendously conflicted she was. But she obeyed anyway, and he repeated his words, softer this time. “So don’t. Please. We can figure this out together, like we always have.”

Clarke brought her hands up to grip his forearms, let the physical feel of his strength ground her. “How?” Josephine still knew about the EMP, and she was still stuck in this liminal space.

“I don’t know yet. But that doesn’t mean we give up. There’s plenty more in that head of yours that can save us. Save you.” He brushed some of her hair away from her forehead, as if to clear the way for a new idea to find its way into her head. 

“Okay,” she whispered. “Okay, I’ll try.” 

“That’s my girl.” With an arm around her shoulders, Bellamy led her to the bunker door, which he opened and stepped down into. He turned back and held out his hand for Clarke to take, but she hesitated. She was afraid he would disappear once she left the memory. “Come on. It’s going be okay, I promise.” She took his hand and let him guide her down. He was right. Her fight wasn’t over. 

When she stepped back into the hall of the ark, Bellamy was still there next to her, smiling proudly. She smiled back, overjoyed that he hadn’t vanished. 

“Hey, Clarke. We thought you might be able to use some help.” 

Clarke’s head whipped over to the sound of his voice, disbelieving. “Wells? Monty!”

They were both standing there, side by side in the hall of her mind space. Wasting not even a second she ran to them, threw her arms around both their shoulders and pulled them to her. “I missed you both so much.”

“We missed you too.” Wells’ smile was bright, and Clarke’s heart seemed to sigh a breath of relief at the sight. It had been so long since she’d seen him, even in her dreams. 

“Come on. We’ve got some work to do.” Monty moved to stand next to Bellamy, gestured her over. The door that had been there had disappeared, and in its place stood the entrance to Josephine's mind space. “Let’s get your body back.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed! If you’d like to say hi on tumblr I’m earth-skills-alumni-club there as well ^^


End file.
